Jackie O

Do you ever think back to when you were younger and you try to relive that moment where you wished or wrote in your diary about the person that would come and sweep you off your feet one day? Shut up, every girl does it. We all have this biological clock that ticks and ticks and at some point of our lives at LEAST once we think about what it would be like to be in love so much that you feel like your heart is the most happy it has ever been. And the day you get married? every girls dream. Family and friends celebrating your happiness, white dress, the ring, the party, the music, the perfect everything. What about even the partnership? Just having someone to be with, talk to and build a life with is the most important part. Suddenly lifes tasks become such of two. Decisions get made by agreement and going to bed at night generally is never alone.

It’s weird to me that I still believe in such fantasy. Maybe I’ve watched too many romantic movies or read to many love stories. I pay way too much attention to the feeling in songs people write to gain attention from others. Every song  is the same though. I love you so much I could cry. You left me, so I cried. I’m crying, because I found you. Blah blah fucking blah. I seriously have no idea why I ended up being so sensitive.

My mother and father were never married. In fact, they were never really together. I grew up mostly with my grandmother who was married multiple times, but single and did pretty much everything on her own. Am I becoming my grandmother? I mean, I have the MOST respect for that woman. But she seemed so content in doing everything on her own. Maybe it’s because she realized it’s all bullshit and you just end up dying alone anyway. She was my best friend, I miss her a lot. And I wouldnt be mad if I ended up just like her.

So maybe I’ll just say fuck it and go get a full time job with benefits, pop out a kid by myself and live happily ever after with my kid and a goldfish and skip all the bullshit.

No one knows this about me but I’m super obsessed with anything vampire related. I watch this TV show on CW called the vampire diaries. It’s just your average teenage drama with really bad but incredibly attractive actors. There’s a huge bonus in this stories version of a vampire. They have the capability of turning off emotions. They call it the switch. Instantly switching off humanity so that you cannot simply feel a thing around you.

Guilt. Hurt. Love. Sad. Angry. Scared. Lonely.

Imagine what that would be like. To be able to wake up every day and just, literally give no fucks about anything. Granted we would all be horrible people, killing and fucking everything we came in contact with. But I feel it when Elena Gilbert says “What’s the point of switching it back on”

I’ve kind of felt like this lately. I think I hit a breaking point where I just switched it all off. Because for me, just dealing with it is completely unneccessary.

Writing about it is cool sometimes. Most of the time its me indirectly speaking to someone I know reads just about everything I write. Indirect seems to be the only way I feel like communicating with this person anymore. Or most people for that matter.

I hate being so emotional. It’s overwhelming. Most of the time I’m happy, smiling and looking forward to routine and goals I have. Focused. It’s hard to stay focused when you get consumed with anger or hurt. I’ll never understand how one person can pull out so much emotion from me, unlike anyone before. I kind of feel bad for her for having to deal with it too. But then again I think, if she can and still love me after all that, something obviously must be right there. Now if I can stay switched off for the time being.